Applying to Jobs: Why I Chose to Use My Dead Name Written by Carter Kurtas

This post is written from my experience and is NOT advice. The purpose is to present the thought process of a young genderqueer professional navigating their job search. 

When I was 19 years old, I sat in the second row of a class titled “Research in Disciplines: Identity.” I signed up for the class because it was mandatory in order to graduate. I chose the topic, “Identity,” because it seemed more interesting to me than the other option, “Urban Development.”

It turned out that this would be the most memorable class  of my college career. I wrote a paper titled “Interpreting Identity: How Names, Labels, and Diagnoses Impact a Person.” The first part of the paper explored the meaning of a name and how other people interpret their meanings. I referenced Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet and analyzed Juliet’s quote “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” 

During that semester I spent hours upon hours reading articles focused on the impact that naming has on the sense of self and cultural identification. One of the articles I studied highlighted the power of names in the hiring process. A field experiment had proven the presence of market discrimination within the most foundational hiring step: resume reviewal.

That stuck with me.

Folks whose names transgressed from what was considered the “norm” were not even considered past the resume stage.

Five years later, I found myself creating my own resume. As I typed the header of the document, where my name would be bolded, I faltered. I left my name off of the resume and completed every other section.  I reflected upon that class and reread the studies I had once analyzed so deeply. I slept with an article under my pillow, wishing it would tell me what choice to make. I sat at my computer and typed, then backspaced, then typed again. I tried repeatedly to make a decision, but fear and ambivalence overshadowed my confidence in my self.

Eventually, I submitted my resume to an advisor who took one look at it and said, “It’s great! But take out all of the things that involve the LGBT community.” I was shocked. “It’s great that you have done all of these things, but when people see that, they won’t want to hire you. Also you have to use your legal name.”

So I did exactly what she said. I sterilized my resume of anything that even hinted at who I was. The new resume was hollow, void of anything that represented who I really was.The accomplishments did not even look like my own.  

This wasn’t right.

I decided I would rather people know that I had taken trainings to make places safer for queer folks; I wanted them to know that I was an active member of an LGBT Healthcare organization; and I wanted them to know I volunteered with a foundation that aided trans youth. These were experiences that shaped me to be a young professional..

So I changed it all back.

It was empowering to reinstate these accomplishments on my resume. I felt strong and powerful. These are things you should feel when applying to jobs. You should feel strong, powerful, and confident. I changed everything back. The only thing I did not change, was my name.

I chose to apply under my dead name for a lot of reasons, but the main reason was fear of discrimination and my own internalized transphobia. As proud as I am of who I have become, I know that there is a stigma against my community  and I recognize that my existence is perceived as threatening and therefore uncomfortable for others. I have been taught to make other people comfortable before I do something for myself.  (I guess this core belief is the drive behind my career as a nurse).

I spent nights losing sleep because of fear. Applying to jobs is already incredibly stressful. Applying to jobs while trans, is an entire new layer. It was scary and foreign. I was terrified that my identity would prevent anybody from hiring me.  

Ultimately, I came up with a list of reasons I chose to use my dead name.

But this does not mean that you have to do the same.

I was afraid that my name, which had not been legally changed, would cause me to lose a job for which I had not yet even been hired.  

My license and degree were under my legal name, and so I decided that they should match to limit confusion and maintain my safety. Like I had done so many times before in my life, I shifted my own comfort aside for the convenience of someone else, the employer. I submitted to being called by my dead name if it meant I could get a job.

I decided that if I was hired, I would tell my supervisor immediately to call me by my real name. They have no means to fire me on my first day of work, but if I had been out during my interview, they could not hire me for that reason without saying it.

For me, I measured my safety as a queer person. I considered the fact that I was not established in my career. I thought about my licensure, my coworkers, and my area of specialization.

I am just as qualified to nurse, no matter what the top of my resume says my name is.

I don’t have any regrets, afterall I got a job and I am who I am. A rose.