TRANS VOICES: Carter

This post is a part of our series promoting our Trans Voices: A Storytelling Event for Trans and Nonbinary Young Adults Event.

Listen to Carter’s story here.

Dinosaur shorts. That’s the last gift my grandma gave me on my eighth birthday. They were size 8 boy’s shorts with dinosaurs playing basketball complete with a matching tank top. I didn’t realize it at the time, but this seemingly small gift would become one of the most notable euphoric moments of my life.

Growing up in the rural Midwest, I didn’t know what transgender meant or have the language to convey what I had always known. At 8 years old, I didn’t quite grasp the reality that not everyone saw me the way I saw myself. I don’t recall ever having a conversation with my grandma about wanting those shorts or any boy’s clothing. Yet somehow, she saw who I really was and made it a point to make me feel seen and valid.

I wore those dinosaur shorts every day my mom would let me get away with it. Laundry day seemed to take forever as I waited for them to get out of the dryer. The freshly dried outfit was warm…comfortable…safe…it felt like home. I might not have had the language, but I felt a visceral connection to those shorts in a way I had never experienced happiness before…I was able to dress on the outside in the way I had always felt on the inside.

It would be another thirteen years before I finally found the words. I had my lightbulb moment in the middle of my graduate counseling program. This is when I learned what it meant to be transgender and to experience dysphoria…something I experienced daily but didn’t quite understand. Then I thought back to those dinosaur shorts and everything seemed to make sense. I was ready to live my truth and to step into my authentic self.

On days when dysphoria takes over, I wish I could still fit into those shorts and feel that same level of comfort. The dinosaur shorts became extinct decades ago but that core memory will live with me forever. I feel validated knowing my grandma celebrated my authentic self without the two of us ever having that conversation. Even when the world tries to invalidate my identity, I can look back and know this is who I have always been, this is who I am, and who I will always be.